I'm Not Going Back

When I first started recovery, my goal was to become the person I was before I became bulimic. I wanted to go back to being the athlete, the scholar, and the musician- that’s how people saw me but also how I saw myself. For a long time, I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel like I was becoming the person I was before my eating disorder. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that thinking was what had been holding me back. I had this cliché, eye-opening moment of pure clarity where I realized I will never be who I was before I got sick. Never. At first, that thought scared me to death. It also made me angry. For 17 years I knew what defined me: school, sports, and music. When I was deep in my eating disorder, I saw myself as just a bulimic. When I entered recovery, I had no idea who the hell I was. That’s terrifying. Yes, I still run, I still sing, and I’m still smart, but those things weren’t what my life was revolving around anymore. When people sked me who I was as a person, I had nothing to say because the truth was, I didn’t know. I was so focused on the past and trying to go back to it that my present self was slipping away. I wasn’t focusing on what I wanted (or needed) in the moment and I wasn’t putting too much thought into my future. Truth be told, I didn’t care all that much about the future because I wanted to go back to the “old Amanda.” Once I realized that was impossible, things started to change. I was able to sit down and think “what do I need to do right now?” and “what are my hopes and plans for the future?” I went from having no clue as to what I wanted my future career to be, to applying to specific graduate school programs and finalizing my plans in a matter of weeks. I knew I couldn’t go back to who I was before I developed my eating disorder but the turning point was that I realized I didn’t want to. Because the “old me” was sad. She was depressed. She wasn’t able to cope with things and then she got sick. That’s not who I want to be and that’s not who I deserve to be. Recovery isn’t about going back to who you were before you go sick; it’s about rebuilding yourself from the ground up and creating the person you want to be. Recovery is hard. Some days (if not most) it sucks and you would rather just give in to those thoughts and behaviors. Use those days to fuel your fire. Choosing recovery gives you the blank canvas you need to create yourself and every choice you make adds a stroke of paint to the masterpiece that is YOU. Tell yourself this: “I’m not going back and I don’t want to.”