When I first started recovery, my goal was to become the
person I was before I became bulimic. I wanted to go back to being the athlete,
the scholar, and the musician- that’s how people saw me but also how I saw
myself. For a long time, I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel like I was
becoming the person I was before my eating disorder. It wasn’t until recently
that I realized that thinking was what had been holding me back. I had this
cliché, eye-opening moment of pure clarity where I realized I will never be who I was before I got sick.
Never. At first, that thought scared me to death. It also made me angry. For 17
years I knew what defined me: school, sports, and music. When I was deep in my
eating disorder, I saw myself as just a bulimic. When I entered recovery, I had
no idea who the hell I was. That’s terrifying. Yes, I still run, I still sing,
and I’m still smart, but those things weren’t what my life was revolving around
anymore. When people sked me who I was as a person, I had nothing to say because
the truth was, I didn’t know. I was so focused on the past and trying to go
back to it that my present self was slipping away. I wasn’t focusing on what I
wanted (or needed) in the moment and I wasn’t putting too much thought into my
future. Truth be told, I didn’t care all that much about the future because I
wanted to go back to the “old Amanda.” Once I realized that was impossible,
things started to change. I was able to sit down and think “what do I need to
do right now?” and “what are my hopes and plans for the future?” I went from
having no clue as to what I wanted my future career to be, to applying to
specific graduate school programs and finalizing my plans in a matter of weeks.
I knew I couldn’t go back to who I was before I developed my eating disorder
but the turning point was that I realized I didn’t want to. Because the “old me” was sad. She was depressed. She
wasn’t able to cope with things and then she got sick. That’s not who I want to
be and that’s not who I deserve to be. Recovery isn’t about going back to who
you were before you go sick; it’s about rebuilding yourself from the ground up
and creating the person you want to be. Recovery is hard. Some days (if not
most) it sucks and you would rather just give in to those thoughts and behaviors.
Use those days to fuel your fire. Choosing recovery gives you the blank canvas
you need to create yourself and every choice you make adds a stroke of paint to
the masterpiece that is YOU. Tell yourself this: “I’m not going back and I
don’t want to.”
