An Apple a Day

She walks past my desk with a bounce in her step and apple in hand. Without question, she takes a bite and the sound of her teeth sinking into the juicy core vibrates throughout my whole body. It’s effortless for her and I wonder what that’s like: to eat a piece of food without an exhausting and emotional internal dialogue. She types, she bites, she chews, she swallows. Over and over again without hesitation. I feel something welling in the pit of my stomach. Is it shame? Confusion? Perhaps…hunger? The presence grows and spreads to my fingers, my toes, and every other piece of me that gets taken over by this demon. It takes a moment of silent turmoil for me to realize that its anger. I am angry. And once I realize, it swells and it’s overwhelming. I never thought I would be angry over food and the ability of someone to eat it without thinking. There was a time that eating didn’t come with a negative connotation for me. I looked forward to it, in fact. Family dinners, summer ice cream with friends, and pasta parties before the big game were what I lived for. Food was a celebration and a connection. It was fuel for me to be the competitive athlete I was proud to be. I was simply just an inevitable and simple part of life. But somewhere along the lines, food become something I avoided; I would even use the word “feared” in some cases. Through struggling with an eating disorder, I realized that my behaviors weren’t the most dramatic things to change, but my thinking was. My cognitions went from normal to questionable to completely disordered in what seemed like an incredibly short amount of time. Where spontaneity was what I yearned for, I couldn’t eat a bite without planning, calculating, and stressing. Now after what seems like a lengthy attempt at recovery, I see that once again, it’s my cognitions that continue to try to hold me captive. Where I am now compared to where I was when I was first diagnosed with my eating disorder are two (thankfully) completely different places. My behaviors themselves would be considered under control but sometimes I realize those thoughts creep back in and try to run amuck in my brain.  I can eat that apple. I can take that bite and eat the whole damn thing. I can even enjoy it. But sometimes I’ll catch myself thinking things like “do I really need the apple?” “Am I truly hungry?” “Do I deserve it?” Those are the times I find myself having to fight a little harder. To my recovery warriors: keep fighting. The body heals quicker than the mind, but you will be whole again. Actions speak louder than words but thoughts can make all the difference. 

I'm Not Going Back

When I first started recovery, my goal was to become the person I was before I became bulimic. I wanted to go back to being the athlete, the scholar, and the musician- that’s how people saw me but also how I saw myself. For a long time, I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel like I was becoming the person I was before my eating disorder. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that thinking was what had been holding me back. I had this cliché, eye-opening moment of pure clarity where I realized I will never be who I was before I got sick. Never. At first, that thought scared me to death. It also made me angry. For 17 years I knew what defined me: school, sports, and music. When I was deep in my eating disorder, I saw myself as just a bulimic. When I entered recovery, I had no idea who the hell I was. That’s terrifying. Yes, I still run, I still sing, and I’m still smart, but those things weren’t what my life was revolving around anymore. When people sked me who I was as a person, I had nothing to say because the truth was, I didn’t know. I was so focused on the past and trying to go back to it that my present self was slipping away. I wasn’t focusing on what I wanted (or needed) in the moment and I wasn’t putting too much thought into my future. Truth be told, I didn’t care all that much about the future because I wanted to go back to the “old Amanda.” Once I realized that was impossible, things started to change. I was able to sit down and think “what do I need to do right now?” and “what are my hopes and plans for the future?” I went from having no clue as to what I wanted my future career to be, to applying to specific graduate school programs and finalizing my plans in a matter of weeks. I knew I couldn’t go back to who I was before I developed my eating disorder but the turning point was that I realized I didn’t want to. Because the “old me” was sad. She was depressed. She wasn’t able to cope with things and then she got sick. That’s not who I want to be and that’s not who I deserve to be. Recovery isn’t about going back to who you were before you go sick; it’s about rebuilding yourself from the ground up and creating the person you want to be. Recovery is hard. Some days (if not most) it sucks and you would rather just give in to those thoughts and behaviors. Use those days to fuel your fire. Choosing recovery gives you the blank canvas you need to create yourself and every choice you make adds a stroke of paint to the masterpiece that is YOU. Tell yourself this: “I’m not going back and I don’t want to.” 

Tis the Season: Navigating the Holidays in Eating Disorder Recovery

Okay, so we know that eating disorders aren’t really about the food; but that doesn’t mean food doesn’t play a role. Clearly it does. So what’s a common thought for those in recovery during the holiday season? “My. Worst. Nightmare.” The holidays are supposed to be the best time of year: you get to spend time with family, maybe take a mental vacation, exchange gifts and thanks, and eat a whole smorgasbord of food! That last part is really scary for most people recovering though. Just the thought of knowing there will be a plethora of foods in their presence can cause a lot of anxiety and maybe bring up the urge to act on eating disorder behavior. The good things is that there are ways to avoid that! So let’s take a look at what we can do to have a happy and healthy holiday season:

1.       Continue to eat regularly.

The urge to restrict on a day like Thanksgiving and Christmas can be very strong. Our brains      convince us that if we’re going to eat “all that food” later on, we should starve ourselves leading up to it. WRONG. You and I both know that restricting is going to make it that much more likely you will binge. With binging comes guilt and regret, so let’s try to avoid that.

2.    Talk about your concerns.

Putting your worries out there can help you and those around you. Bring them up to your parents, your therapist, or your dietician. When others are in the know they can help you prepare in case your thoughts begin to overwhelm you.  


3.    Have an emergency contact at the ready

Whether it’s your therapist, a friend from treatment, or just a close friend in general, it’s good to have someone you can call when things get hairy. Just knowing you have someone to turn to can help put your mind at ease regarding the whole situation.

 

4.    Practice being in the moment.  

Do your best to refrain from allowing your thoughts to take over. Focus on conversation, being with your loved ones. Maybe take it a step further and try to enjoy the taste of your food! 

5.    Don't Over-commit. 

Additional stress can increase your anxiety and anticipation surrounding the holidays. It’s always good to get involved, help people out, and keep busy, but make sure you schedule some down time for yourself so you don’t get overwhelmed.

 
6.    Keep a list of distractions handy. 
If you find yourself struggling excessively, it could benefit you to have a list of activities to refocus and replenish your mind. It could be things like: excusing yourself to take a bath, knit on the couch, pop in a movie, read a book, or go for a walk. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break if it means looking out for your well-being. 
 
7.    Forgive yourself. 

If you fall of the wagon: restrict a little, maybe you binge and purge, do your best to just move on. Don’t beat yourself up over it; that will only exacerbate your emotions, urges, and thoughts. 

The holidays are all about reflecting, relaxing, and focusing on what’s really important. Take some time to do that. Food is a big part of the celebration but it’s not the only part. Soak up the time with your friends and family, work on creating new, positive memories, and practice being kind to yourself.